Grieving on Valentine’s Day

Just as you make it through the grief of the summer holiday season, Valentine’s Day comes along to stir it all up again. Whether it is the first Valentine’s Day after death of your spouse or partner, or decades have passed, it is only natural that you would miss the special person in your life.

Even though Valentine’s Day is traditionally a day of celebrating romantic love, this might not be the easiest for those who have lost their loved one. Some of your anxiety around Valentine’s Day can be lessened by planning how you want to spend the day ahead of time.

7 Tips for Coping with Valentine’s Day Grief

1. Commemorate the memory of your beloved. Love doesn’t go away, and we never forget. Nor would we want to. Whether you choose to visit your loved one’s gravesite, write them a love letter in your grief journal, visit a place that was special to you both or get together and share your favourite stories about them with family or friends. Remembering your loved one with intention on this day is a way to continue the bond you share.
   
2. Treat yourself to an at home self-care retreat. Crawl under the covers with a cup of chamomile tea and a good book. Take the day off, grab your grief journal, order a good meal, and pour your heart out. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself the self-care you deserve, and everything right about it.
   
3. Reach out to friends and family. Alone time can be good, but if you have found yourself withdrawing from the people that support you, Valentine’s Day is a good day to reach back out. Schedule a Zoom call to share photos and memories of your special person with other people who share your grief. And if you don’t feel like connecting with others, that is fine too, so long as it is a choice rather than a habit.
   
4. Order a delicious meal. Many of us are already eating at home, but if you do eat out regularly, know that during the month of February restaurants are full of grief triggers, mostly in the form of hearts and flowers. On Valentine’s Day itself you will see couples celebrating, which can be a painful reminder. If you feel that will just cause you suffering, do yourself a favour and either order your favourite meal delivered, or, if you like to cook, prepare it yourself.
   
5. Plan for “business as usual.” It is totally acceptable to not celebrate Valentine’s Day at all. Of course, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to pretend it doesn’t exist. Even if you treat it like any other day, don’t be surprised if you still have a grief reaction. Know in advance what you can do to tend to strong emotions when they arise. What are your most helpful coping skills? Keep those handy and use them as often as you need!
   
6. Show yourself kindness. You will no doubt be bombarded by images and soundbites of Valentine’s Day between now and Feb. 14. Offset the suffering you feel by practicing self-compassion as self-care. Send yourself words of self-compassion and mercy: “This is hard, but I am doing my best,” “May I be free from my suffering, and surrounded by love,” or “I feel this sadness because I love deeply. I would not trade that for anything.” My mindfulness-based meditation for grief and sadness is a useful tool for tending to difficult emotions.
   
7. No matter how you wind up spending Valentine’s Day, please be kind to yourself. Your grieving heart deserves it.

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