Men’s Lives Matter Too

I love this billboard. It shows the true grit nature of the male of the species, with more than just a hint of irony showing that true grit isn’t working so well. What is really encouraging is that we’ve come a long way from where we used to be; the staunch male who toughs it out, never talks, never shows any emotion, lives in denial of any problems with physical or mental health. We’ve had some very brave men lead the way with exposing this; Sir John Kirwan immediately comes to mind.; other “personalities” have been encouraging men to talk more, seek help, people like Duncan Garner, Paddy Gower, Mike King, Mark Sainsbury, Josh Kronfeld.

We’ve made some spectacular progress. The modern male has a far better understanding of their role as a partner, and a father, than did previous generations. Many men change nappies, do housework, take parental leave; but other men are still letting the side down with domestic violence. One woman commentator has said she’d like to see a change in the way we bring up boys in New Zealand. I’m not sure I want a female setting out the criteria for those changes without any consultation with the male; despite everyone’s desperate attempts to say we should all be the same, and all be equal, it needs to be recognised that the male and the female have some very fundamental differences.

However, we males still do have this issue: we’re not very good at “disclosing” our thoughts, fears, dreams, hurts, pains, worries. And this takes its toll. A survey in the UK recently showed that 77% of men polled disclosed experiencing anxiety, stress and depression. It also showed that 40% of men have never spoken to anyone about these matters. And this probably explains why 77% of suicides in the UK are men.

Why don’t men talk? Is it all about the macho image of the strong, silent type? Is it all about our competitive nature? Is it a primal instinct to be the best proposition as a mate? I have some theories of my own; how about this one: men often assume that other men are doing so much better than them. The flaw here is that it doesn’t hold true that if other men aren’t talking about it then it must be because they’re not troubled by it.

I’m going to deliver a bombshell here, and I’m going to shout it! When asked why they don’t discuss these issues, a lot of men say, “I HAVE NO-ONE TO TALK TO”. Wow. Think about that for a moment. I think we need to define this a bit more: men often don’t have other men they can talk with.Sure, they have mates, they’ll have beers at the BBQ, the pub, the sports club, but how many men have close male friends they can confide in?

I was invited to join a Probus men’s group a while ago and was intrigued as to how they could get away with excluding women. One man at the Probus Men’s club in Richmond explained to me that when in a social situation, men will often step back and let the women do the leading, so they are not forming those strong bonds of friendship with other men as much as they could be. Take away the women from that setting, and the men have no option but to socialise.

Take a look at the RSA. These clubs have traditionally been attended by more men than women. These men have shared a common bond that other people – both men and women – just won’t understand. Sure, the talk at any of these clubs can be superficial, but there is an underlying connection taking place that promotes a sense of belonging, of being understood, and of not being alone.

That’s why I’m pleased to be hosting a “men’s group” in conjunction with Simplicity Funerals. Men who lose a partner through death can suffer an aloneness that is more crushing than others might notice – or expect. But it’s not just death that brings this about – it could be a relationship breakup. Another biggie is redundancy and, of course, retirement. So, anyone and everyone (male of course) is welcome to call in for a cuppa and a chat. It’s not counselling, or group therapy, it’s an opportunity for men to talk with other men, and that can be therapeutic in itself.

We haven’t come up with a name for it yet, but in recent times there’s been plenty of press about Black Lives matter, White Lives matter, Children’s Lives matter. I’m quite liking “Men’s Lives Matter Too”, we’re sort of like the last frontier, not explored nearly enough, and certainly not understood.

Call in one Wednesday afternoon.