Valentine’s Day and Grief

As the first Valentine’s Day after the death of your loved partner nears, it can seem like an insurmountable and depressing holiday. for people who are grieving, most holidays can be stressful times and Valentine’s Day certainly can be a bit more difficult than the others. With its focus on sharing our special memories with family and other loved ones, it can be a reminder someone we miss dearly isn’t here to celebrate with us.

Even if you and your loved one didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in a “traditional” sense, the advertising on the television and internet is a constant reminder of the occasion and can be distressing.

With its focus of a day of being together, Valentine’s Day is meant to be a holiday to celebrate those you love, and when someone you love is no longer alive, Valentine’s Day can become an incredibly difficult holiday.

We know that we can’t say or do anything to erase the pain of grieving for a beloved person, but perhaps some of these ideas will help you cope with Valentine’s Day.

1. Reach out to friends and family: The idea here is to not isolate yourself. Ask a friend to dinner. Take your grandchildren for hot cocoa. Ask your sister to join you for happy hour. The “what” of the invitation isn’t as important as the “why,” which is to share time with someone you love.
2. Ignore the “traditions” and create your own: Try to look past all the hearts and flowers, and flip this tradition on its head and do something that will make you feel good. If that means buying yourself flowers, grab the bunch that makes you smile. Consider making make one of you beloved’s favourite recipes, or listen to music they loved. Creating a new tradition can help those who grieve because it helps to refocus energies and thoughts. It’s not an erasing of the memories you hold of your loved one, but it is a way to allow a bit of relief into the grieving process.
3. Treat Yourself: One way to “celebrate” Valentine’s Day when you are grieving is to focus your attention on yourself and do something that feels good. That might be a massage or a pedicure. Or you could treat yourself to a special meal out, a movie or an afternoon in a bookstore. Think of the things and activities that bring you joy and choose one to focus on that day. Self-care is an important part of the grieving process, so remember that this option should feel caring, not imposing. If staying home to read or watch a movie sounds more comforting, opt for that. Travel, if that’s within your realm of possibility and something you’d like to do. The point is to treat yourself as your own beloved.
4. Reach Out To Others: Another way to deal with grief at Valentine’s Day (or any day) is to turn your attention to serving others. Is there an organization you believe in that needs volunteers? Volunteer! Studies show that doing good for others can help mitigate grief. It can also help get you out of the house and interacting with others without the focus being on you and the grief you feel.
5. Commemorate the memory of your beloved: You might invite your family to share a meal and memories of them. Or you might choose to honour your loved one on your own by doing something you once did together. No matter the activity you choose, carrying the memory of your loved one with you on holidays and other special days can help you feel less alone.
6. Plan for “business as usual” It is totally acceptable to not celebrate Valentine’s Day at all. Of course, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to pretend it doesn’t exist. Even if you treat it like any other day, don’t be surprised if you still have a grief reaction. Know in advance what you can do to tend to strong emotions when they arise. What are your most helpful coping skills? Keep those handy and use them as often as you need!

No matter how you wind up spending Valentine’s Day, please be kind to yourself. Your grieving heart deserves it.

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